As I continue to struggle with this decision that I’m trying to make, I have become aware that my need for clarity in the situation and clear direction about the right path to take is less about my own internal need for certainty and more about needing to able to clearly defend my choice to others.
I’ve been giving myself such a hard time for needing so much certainty before I decide, but I suspect that’s not the real issue at all. The real issue is letting go of what other people may think of my decision.
“There’s a reason that you can learn from everything: you have basic wisdom, basic intelligence, and basic goodness. Therefore, if the environment is supportive and encourages you to be brave and to open your heart and mind, you’ll find yourself opening to the wisdom and compassion that’s inherently there. It’s like tapping into your source, tapping into what you already have. It’s the willingness to open your eyes, your heart, and your mind, to allow situations in your life to become your teacher.” ~Pema Chodron
“Go jump off a cliff. Don’t go near the cliff and contemplate jumping off. Don’t read a book about jumping off. Don’t study the art and science of jumping off. Don’t join a support group for jumping off. Don’t write poems about jumping off. Don’t kiss the ass of someone else who jumped off. Just jump.” ~Jed McKenna
I took jump off an enormous cliff about six months ago now when I quit my full-time job. I’ve been remarkably blessed with the way that has turned out. I jumped, and a net appeared in the form of the part-time position I currently have, which is better than anything I could have dreamed up for my present situation. It’s taught me a lot about trusting the universe.
Now I find myself ready to jump off a cliff again, and I feel like I’m back to square one. When I jumped off a few months ago, I was jumping away from something into the unknown. Now I’m jumping toward something (the beginnings of self-employment), and even though it is still in many ways jumping into the unknown, it feels completely different.
“Our first duty is not to hate ourselves, because to advance we must have faith in ourselves first and then in God. Those who have no faith in themselves can never have faith in God.” ~Swami Vivekananda
My first spiritual duty is not to hate myself? Wow! That’s the complete opposite of what I was taught growing up. In fact, I remember having a discussion about self-esteem a few years ago with my mother, and she claimed that she believed that whole idea of having any positive self-esteem was sinful because we, as humans, are so depraved that to claim we have any value is sacrilege. That sounds pretty close to the idea that my first spiritual duty is to learn to hate myself.
Unfortunately, I learned that lesson all too well, all too young. The older I get, however, the more I am convinced that Swami Vivekananda has it right. Learning to NOT hate myself is the first step.
“Everything turns out to be valuable that one does for one’s self without thought of profit.” ~Marguerite Yourcenar
This is my 200th post to this blog. I find it a bit hard to believe some days that I have managed to find enough to say to still be writing every day. I certainly started this effort with no thought of profit—just an insistent need to be seen as I am in a world that I felt did not truly see me.
My whole life has changed since then in so many ways, and I have weathered storm after storm of change, sharing each step of the process along the way. And through it all, I continue to write because this process has turned out to be more valuable to me than I could ever have imagined.
“It Is The Unreal Part Of Us That Breaks… ” ~Robin Rice
The closer I come to breaking as the mound of straws piles up, the more I struggle to even put this journey into words. How do I narrate a journey when there is no more “me” to tell the story?
Everything I try to write sounds to my ears like whining. I am going in circles chasing my tail. I can’t see how my flailing about in confusion and despair could be of any interest or encouragement to anyone who may be on a similar journey through the chrysalis.
It’s once again time for Synchronicity Friday where I review the moments of synchronicity that I encountered during the last week. Obviously, my biggest news of the week is that the job interview I mentioned in last week’s Synchronicity Friday post has now become my new job, and it looks better than I could ever have imagined!