Tag Archive | boundaries

Nice is a four letter word

I grew up in the South, so I learned early that good Christian girls (and women) were expected to always be “nice.” This fundamental edict is ingrained in me at a very deep level, and I measure myself against it constantly.

But being “nice” is also killing me.

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I’ve long believed that every choice is both a yes and a no. For everything that I say yes to, I am saying no to something else. Everything that I say no to is a yes to a different choice. It’s always a trade-off.

I tend to go against the cultural norm by saying no to a lot of things that other people say yes to, but in every case, it is because I am saying yes to something that is more valuable to me (even though it doesn’t fit the “norm”).

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Practicing self-compassion

I’ve learned over the years that I have pretty strict requirements for the amount of rest, downtime, and self-care I need in order to maintain my mental, emotional, and physical health. Compared to most people, this is fairly narrow range of tolerance for extra doing, decreased sleep, or missed routines.

This week has been extra hectic and stressful just because of the confluence of  too many things all at once. I’ve been packing too much into my days, staying up too late at night, and skipping my morning pages some mornings to squeeze in a little extra rest. Missing my morning pages has left me feeling off-kilter during the day, which adds to the stress, and the lack of downtime and sleep has worn me down.

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Learning confidence (the hard way)

I’ve learned the hard way that when it comes to people and relations appearances can be deceiving, words can be used to trick and to hide as much to expose, feelings can’t always be trusted, and that the “truth” in any given situation usually depends on who you ask. In short, there is seldom an absolute truth to any interaction between human beings, and even the truth that can be reliably nailed down in some way is likely to be interpreted differently by each participant and each viewer.

For many years, this made me hesitant to trust my own perceptions of situations I found myself in. I distrusted my feelings, questioned my motives, doubted my observations. Most of all, I ignored my intuition. At the slightest hint of contradiction to my own opinions, I accepted the “truth” of those around me above my own knowing.

But that has shifted.

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Observing the storyteller in my mind

Stories. I love ’em and can’t live without ’em. But they also make my life hellish, if I’m not careful.

Today was day two of this migraine-like sinus headache. I don’t get these often, but when I do, they are a doozy. They come complete with nausea and severe sensitivities to noise and scents to go along with the pain in my head. So I took a sick day and stayed home where I could limit my movement (and noise and odors) to control the nausea. I spent the day on the couch crocheting, which requires very little motion except in my hands.

It also meant a day that allowed my mind to roam, and when it’s allowed time to roam free, it tells stories. And especially when I’m not feeling well, my mind can come up with some pretty depressing stories!

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Making self-care about “her”

As I anxiously watch the election results roll in tonight while trying (not very successfully) to study for an exam later this week after having gotten up even earlier than usual this morning to vote, I’m very aware of that some heavy-duty self-care is in order right about now. As I try to sort through all of the things that are on my to-do list to figure out what I owe to whom right now, it’s hard to make letting it all go to do something for myself to care for myself a priority.

I really struggle with doing things for myself. I tend to put a lot of energy into first making sure that everyone else’s needs and wants are met first and that my plan to do something for myself isn’t going to inconvenience or bother anyone else.

This is true whether I’m thinking about setting appropriate boundaries, doing something I want to do, or even basic necessary self-care. I usually wait until a complete crash is imminent before I do what I need to do to take care of myself. (And even then, I feel horribly guilty about it—especially when other people complain or disapprove.)

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Link love: Boundaries and writing

I must need to hear a clear message about setting and keeping boundaries around my writing practice because posts on this topic appeared everywhere I looked this week! Three of these showed up in the RSS reader on the same day; the fourth showed up the next day. They don’t all specifically mention boundaries, but each of them are directly or indirectly about the impact of setting appropriate boundaries around our writing practice on our productivity.

Oddly enough, setting boundaries around my writing practice is one area that I find to be easier than most other boundary-setting endeavors, but boundary-setting is one area that I still need to improve in all around, so some of these apply for me in more than just writing situations. I’m getting so much better with this, but I am encouraged to keep up the work after reading these.

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