“There comes a point in life when you get tired of feeling, doing and looking bad. Take responsibility for what ails you. Find out what you are doing that is not good for you and stop.” ~Iyanla Vanzant
I’ve worked hard the past few years in learning to be a better observer of myself and my patterns. I’ve gradually learned to increase my ability to watch myself through detached and curious eyes even as I go about my daily life. I’m learning to recognize my patterns not just after they have run their course but sometimes now even in the midst of them.
Some of the easier ones I’ve already managed to shift enough to create healthier patterns in place of the ones that were no longer serving me. Others, however, are more deeply ingrained and often feel like deep holes in the road that I fall into time and time again without ever seeming to learn my lesson.
Perhaps because it is Fall—a season that has always felt more like a fresh start to me than New Year’s—or perhaps because so much else has changed for me recently with the job changes, I’m noticing a different attitude in myself about these areas where I have struggled for so long. I think I’ve finally reach the point where I’m tired of “feeling, doing and looking bad” in these ways. My old excuses for why I couldn’t change the patterns that ail me no longer work.
I’m catching myself taking responsibility for creating changes, even when my resistance is still in play. My observer-self is calling me on my excuses and evasions before I can spin them out. I’m making hard choices and sticking with them. I’m holding myself accountable even when no one else knows.
Of course, I still fall into old unhelpful patterns all the time, particularly in my thinking. Those old ruts aren’t easy to escape from, and I still have lots of work to do to get free. But something is different lately. My level of determination has grown enough to at least increase the frequency with which I choose to walk around the same old holes rather than tumbling into them again.
I wish I knew for sure what it was that has created this change so I could be sure that I keep it up over time, but I suspect that I’ve just reach the point of being sick of being stuck. Interestingly enough, though, it’s not a matter of being in so much pain where I’m at that’s driving me to change. It’s more that I have an increasingly hunger for becoming more and for growing toward the life I want to live that is making me less satisfied with being willing to stay where I am.
It’s like I’m getting close enough to the place where I am supposed to be that the anticipation is driving me forward. making me willing to push through old barriers that once would have stopped me because I can sense how close I am to home. I don’t consciously know where home is or what it looks like, but I feel is getting closer by the day, and it’s drawing out new commitment and determination in me that I didn’t know I had.
So I’m putting all my old patterns on notice. All those that aren’t being as helpful as they can be in getting me where I’m going had better get ready for some change around here. There’s a revolution underway. It’s time to break the control of those old unhelpful patterns and transform them into patterns that get me where I want to go.
L’habitude est mort, vive l’habitude!
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