As I continue to struggle with this decision that I’m trying to make, I have become aware that my need for clarity in the situation and clear direction about the right path to take is less about my own internal need for certainty and more about needing to able to clearly defend my choice to others.
I’ve been giving myself such a hard time for needing so much certainty before I decide, but I suspect that’s not the real issue at all. The real issue is letting go of what other people may think of my decision.
If it were just a matter of doing what I want to do and what feels right to me, I would have made this decision on the spot. But every time I contemplate doing so, I start thinking of all of the people in my life who won’t understand my choice or who will challenge my thinking, and that’s what keeps the indecision spinning me around. The truth is that I’m embarrassed by the idea of seeming like I don’t have it together or that I may be giving up too soon or that I just can’t hack it.
On the other hand, the opinions of others would have no effect on me if I wasn’t afraid that those judgments might be true. So the real issue is that I give too much power to other people’s opinions of me and too little to my own opinion of me. Or perhaps it’s that my own opinion of me is more judgmental than is helpful.
Or perhaps it’s some of all of the above. Maybe I need to have enough faith in myself to trust my choice—whether or not I can offer logical reasoning for it, whether or not anyone else understands it, whether or not I can prove to anyone (including me) that it’s the “right” one.
That sounds so good, and it clearly would be a much more helpful way of doing things than my current pattern of indecision. It’s so much easier said than done, though. (At least for me.) It frustrates me when I have moments like this when I can see where I want to be (in a state of having enough faith in myself) without yet having found the path to get there.
Although, awareness is always the first step on the journey, so perhaps I’m making more progress just by seeing this than it feels like in this moment. I’ll start with celebrating that first step today and keep consciously aiming for that state of self-trust along the way.
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