“Make a decision and then make the decision right. Line up your Energy with it. In most cases, it doesn’t really matter what you decide. Just decide. There are endless options that would serve you enormously well, and all or any one of them is better than no decision.” ~Abraham
I am not good with decisions. I mean really, really not good with decisions. I can over-analyze my options to death until the choices wind up disappearing without me ever picking one.
I recently had a situation where a decision I had made was tested by another very tempting opportunity being offered to me that would cause me to undo my original decision. I really struggled with the question of whether to stick with my original decision or change my mind in order to take advantage of this new option. Both options had their pros and cons, but after much debate, I decided to stick with my original choice based on my gut feel even though logic would have argued that I take the new option. Once I had chosen to stick with my original decision, it felt like I had passed a test by showing my commitment to my choice.
Now I find myself back in the same boat. Another aspect of the choice I had re-affirmed a couple of weeks ago is now being put to the test. All signs for a couple of months now had pointed in one direction, and I had finally gotten comfortable with letting go of some goals in order to make more space for a more meaningful goal. Even the re-affirmed choice I recently made was based in no small part on heading toward this new goal. And out of the blue today, I received two emails bringing these old goals that I thought were released back into play. I don’t know whether to view this as another test to see whether I’m really committed or whether it’s a sign that life is trying to tell me that I’m heading down the wrong road.
Overnight I have gone from feeling confident about having a solid path forward to feeling stuck in a tailspin of indecision. How do I tell the difference between a test of my commitment and a signpost telling me I’m going the wrong way? I wish I knew.
At the root of this indecision is still the idea that there is some objectively “right” choice to make. I grew up with the idea that God had our lives all planned out, and it was our job to try to figure out what that plan was and do it, so we could get life right. The older I get, the less convinced I am that things work that way. But clearly that belief still has deep roots. After all, both of my stories—”it’s a test of my commitment” and “it’s a sign I’m going the wrong way”—attach some meaning to the opportunities that came up today. Both stories assume that there is something more at play here than coincidence.
It’s relatively easy to assign meaning to things when I view them in hindsight, but when I’m in the midst of facing a decision, each “sign” I look at could be explained in completely opposite ways. The lack of ability to determine the right meaning of the sign leaves me stuck flailing about in quicksand. It’s a pattern of mine that’s not particularly helpful. (Unfortunately, my only other decision-making mode seems to be one of precipitous action without thinking things through first, which often proves to be equally unhelpful.)
As I flail about in quicksand tonight over this latest dilemma, I find myself wondering if maybe Abraham is right in his quote above. What if there is no “right” decision? What if a decision made by the flip of a coin (if I can find no better method of making a choice) is better than no decision at all? What if these “signs” that I spend so much time analyzing to death are nothing but coincidences without any meaning whatsoever?
If that’s the case, it sure would make the decision-making process easier. But I guess I’m finding it harder than I would have expected to give up the idea that might really be a “right” choice (or at least a better choice) in a decision or that there might really be divine guidance to help point the way. Ironically, I guess even that comes down to a choice about what I want to believe, doesn’t it?
And so I continue to thrash about in this current pit of indecision quicksand—not just in the choosing about which goal (or goals) to pursue, but also in choosing what to believe about choices and guidance altogether. Maybe there’s something to be said for flipping a coin after all.
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