I just got home from a yoga class that I drove over two hours each way to attend. It was billed as a Yin Yoga and Reiki class, but it included not only the advertised yin yoga and Reiki but also meditation, chakra work, and sound therapy. All in a space that is one of the most healing and welcoming studios I’ve ever experienced. It was an amazing experience! (Definitely enhanced by spending the time in the car with a like-minded soul who affirmed and uplifted me throughout the hours of driving with glorious, deep, and powerful conversation!!)
The last few days have left me agitated, full of doubt and self-questioning, and incredibly discouraged. The hour and a half spent on my mat tonight in class flew by as if it was only a few moments and gave me the blessing of getting out of my thoughts and emotions long enough to settle into my body. As I did so, I rediscovered me.
With all of the confusion and anxiety out of the way, I remembered who I really am. I still think that many people will find me hard to get to know and hard to like, but as I settled into poses tonight, I realized that this is really ok. I re-framed it to mean that I’m just eccentric. I am very definitely not a part of the norm in this culture, but I am proud of the fact that I am learning to be true to myself and to walking my own path. Likewise, I can accept that this will make me hard for many people to understand. That’s ok. Those who matter and who are walking similar paths will recognize me. For those who aren’t, it doesn’t really matter what they think. We’re not headed the same way anyway.
I still crave a sense of community, but as I reconnected with who I am tonight, I am able to let go (at least in this moment) of the desperation. Connection to myself and to the universe matters most, and at the end of the day, those are enough. It will bring me great joy to find people to share that journey with, but I won’t die if it never happens. I need to focus on connecting with and accepting my authentic self. If I encounter others that are walking a similar path, I will delight in having the chance to share my journey with them. But until I can be genuinely me in all situations, I will never attract the community I am looking for because I am too desperate for the sense of community to maintain my sense of self in the face of any challenges.
Of course, I still have a lot of work to do to put myself out there to even have the chance to potentially meet people who may be walking similar paths. I have so many irons in the fire at the moment for so many ways to meet people who have common interests of all kinds that I can’t even keep track of them all. I tried naming them all to myself tonight, and I couldn’t keep count because I kept forgetting what I had and hadn’t named. I expect that many of these possibilities will turn out to be dead ends, but I figure I need to try a wide variety of avenues to increase the chances that I’ll meet those few that can be a part of a community or a tribe for me.
I may or may not ever find what I am looking for, but as long as I know I’ve tried, I think I can learn to live with whatever comes as long as I stay connected to myself. It is good to be reminded of what matters to me. It is good to be reminded of who I am. It is a blessing and an affirmation to come back to myself and find that I am home.
I am grateful.
A Note on Comments: A chrysalis is by nature a fragile and vulnerable place to be, so I am committed to keeping this a safe place for me and for my readers. Comments sharing your own journey, even if your experience is different from mine, are always welcome and encouraged. Expressions of support or encouragement are also welcome. Comments that criticize, disparage, correct, or in any way attempt to undermine the validity of another person’s experience or personal insight are not welcome here and will be deleted.