“The moment in between what you once were, and who you are now becoming, is where the dance of life really takes place.” ~Barbara De Angelis
So much of who I once was had died along the way of this journey through the chrysalis. I have vague glimpses now and then of who I am becoming, but that person is still a bit out of my reach, so she remains out of focus.
This process of letting go of who I was and moving toward who I am becoming is an ongoing one.
I worked with my shaman-friend today to do a fire ceremony around an outdoor mandala I created in my yard to release the pattern of co-dependency in my life. I’ve been working with this for some weeks now—exploring what co-dependency means to me, creating the mandala to represent it, working with Spirit to start releasing faulty connections, and working with stones to loosen this pattern. All those things have helped to greatly open the way for the ceremony today, but I could still feel Spirit pulling out roots of things buried deep in me.
I know with certainty that this is one more way that I am no longer who I once was. Yet I also know that this is an ongoing process that will continue to unfold over time, so even in this, I am not yet who I am becoming.
However, if I am in that space between who I once was and who I am becoming, it means I am present in the moment where “the dance of life really takes place.”
I think that is true. I went from the fire ceremony off to kayak on the river. I have not kayaked for over a decade (and even back then I think I went once), but the joy of floating down the river all by myself on a day as beautiful as today was glorious! It was just me, the kayak, the river, and a delightful cast of wildlife: a heron, all kinds of birds, a fish jumping out of the water, ducks, geese and goslings, and more turtles than I could even begin to count. I saw turtles of all shapes and sizes, from a couple of inches long to over a foot, on logs and rocks all the way down the stretch of river I traveled. There was nothing I needed to do except paddle (and steer) the boat, no one I needed to please, no one I needed to be. The sky was a brilliant blue with a few puffy white clouds. The air was warm (but not hot) with a mild breeze blowing.
That was the life! What a glorious dance!
And, amazingly, the day continued to be delightful from there. At yoga teacher training tonight, we had the chance to try Yin Yoga. This was a new practice for me, but it’s one that I feel in love with immediately. Postures designed to open the hips and stretch the lower back are held for long periods of time in a meditative way. The stretch can become quite painful when held for so long, but the practice of being open to the discomfort and staying with the awareness of it allowed for an amazing opening of the body and the emotions. It amazes me how I can continue to fall more deeply in love with yoga the more I learn of it.
And so, much as we did in Yin Yoga tonight, I find myself ending the day relaxing into that uncomfortable space between what I once was and what I am becoming with faith that all will work out as planned. And with that practice of staying present with awareness of the discomfort, I am also finding the opening into the dance of life despite the uncertainty. Today was truly a dance of life from start to finish!
And the best thing about this dance? As I let go of needing to control—or even understand—this uncertainty about who I am becoming or even who I am now, I am finding myself falling more deeply in love with life and with myself day by day. Life is truly good, truly sweet, and truly blessed!
A Note on Comments: A chrysalis is by nature a very fragile place, and it takes a good deal of vulnerability to share this personal journey of transformation so openly. Therefore, I need this to be a safe place for exploration and sharing for me and for my readers. Comments sharing your own journey, even if your experience is different from mine, are always welcome and encouraged. Expressions of support or encouragement are also welcome. Comments that criticize, disparage, correct, or in any way attempt to undermine the validity of another person’s experience or personal insight—or the expression of that experience or insight—are NOT welcome here and will be deleted.