“Everything turns out to be valuable that one does for one’s self without thought of profit.” ~Marguerite Yourcenar
This is my 200th post to this blog. I find it a bit hard to believe some days that I have managed to find enough to say to still be writing every day. I certainly started this effort with no thought of profit—just an insistent need to be seen as I am in a world that I felt did not truly see me.
My whole life has changed since then in so many ways, and I have weathered storm after storm of change, sharing each step of the process along the way. And through it all, I continue to write because this process has turned out to be more valuable to me than I could ever have imagined.
There are so many days that I sit down at the keyboard and cannot imagine what I possibly have left to say. Haven’t I said it all? Yet day after day, as I continue to dive deep inside, I find more of myself to bring forth from the depths to be seen in the light of day. There is something about this continuing bringing forth of what is within me that is daily leading me to greater wholeness and a greater understanding and appreciation of all that I am.
“If you do not bring forward what is within you, what is within you will destroy you. If you bring forward what is within you, what is within you will heal and save you.” ~Gospel of St. Thomas
Indeed, so much of what has been stuffed down inside me for so long was slowly destroying me. Like a corrosive acid, it was eating away at my well-being. As I bring all that forth to be seen and acknowledged (by me, even if by no one else), it is transformed into a healing balm that soothes my soul. To say that I did expect this would be an understatement. I knew only that I was driven by a force I could not resist when I started.
I look back at those early brief posts and can nearly smell my fear seeping out of the computer screen. I remember feeling so lost and alone, and I had no idea what I needed, where to turn for help, or even why I was wasting my time writing a blog that no one may ever read. As the pace of change and overwhelm sped up, I had all I could do to just stay afloat each day as I raced to catch up, but I was drawn back here as things settled a bit and the heartache intensified. The writing became a siren call that I could not ignore. It was sometimes the one thing that helped me stay sane as I struggled to process all that had come before.
And somehow, in the course of becoming a daily practice, it became the greatest gift I gave to myself. It became my lifeline, my joy, my hope, and my outlet. I am grateful that I surrendered to that siren call and kept up with the practice long enough to discover the rich vein of healing hiding within. I have been blessed beyond measure, and as I continue to bring forth that which is within me to be seen and acknowledged, I trust that the healing will continue.
And so I celebrate my 200th post as a mile marker on my continued journey to greater wholeness. What a joy! What a blessing! I am grateful.
A Note on Comments: A chrysalis is by nature a very fragile place, and it takes a good deal of vulnerability to share this personal journey of transformation so openly. Therefore, I need this to be a safe place for exploration and sharing for me and for my readers. Comments sharing your own journey, even if your experience is different from mine, are always welcome and encouraged. Expressions of support or encouragement are also welcome. Comments that criticize, disparage, correct, or in any way attempt to undermine the validity of another person’s experience or personal insight—or the expression of that experience or insight—are NOT welcome here and will be deleted.