Still, I have to

“Sometimes you have to follow your heart, no matter what the cost. You just have to. And not everyone is going to understand. Still, you have to. And you may break in a thousand pieces. Still, you have to. You just know it. And maybe that is all you know. Still, you have to.” ~Robin Rice, from Robin Rice’s Be Who You Are Facebook page

This quote nearly took my breath away when it came across my Facebook page today. The intensity with which my soul cried out in agreement made it a physical reaction. It was a validation of my experience that I didn’t even know I needed.

This so well describes exactly what this last year has been like in situation after situation, decision after decision. And there are still a few more decisions and situations yet to come that I can already tell are going to fall into the same category. Still, I have to follow my heart.

Following my heart has cost me just about everything I could possibly lose in this last year. There are people who do not—and who will not—understand. I have often felt like I am breaking into a thousand tiny pieces that will never be put back together. Still, I have to follow.

I don’t even know yet where this path is leading me. I don’t understand why so much of this has happened. I am scared and tired and heart-broken. I am lost and confused. Still, I have to follow anyway.

I am suddenly incapable of continuing to try to lead the safe and tidy life I used to cling to. I can’t stay there anymore. Still, I have to keep taking one step after another away from all I’ve known and all I’ve ever been.

I don’t know where I’m being led. I don’t know why I’m following. I don’t know what else it will cost me. I’m not sure it’s worth it. I don’t even know if I have what it takes to make it to wherever I’m called to go. Still, I have to keep following.

I feel as if I am being propelled along this journey by forces outside of my control. It no longer feels like a choice. Still, I have to go where I’m being led.

I drag myself along this journey with shaking knees, an aching heart, and a head full of doubts. Still, I have to continue on.

Still, I have to.

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  1. Pingback: Writing as me « Journey Through the Chrysalis

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